If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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