he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just invented taco cereal.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
