Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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