According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
where are you?
Hypothermia
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
