turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
