You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
