Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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