I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
