Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
