he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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