What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
