i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
