WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
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