I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
