I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
