Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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