I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
