I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
