The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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