Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
