It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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