im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
