just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
