shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
