You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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