So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
