8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
