I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
