We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
