I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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