this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
