I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
