I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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