My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
