Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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