M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
