When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
