considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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