I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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