This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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