He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
