Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
