My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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