Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
