Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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