I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
