ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
