I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
