It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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