trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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